When Death Becomes the Elephant in the Room: My Journey with Post-Cancer Obsessive Thoughts

Let’s get one thing straight: I’ve never feared my own death. Not when I was diagnosed with Stage 3 Triple Negative Breast Cancer, not during treatment, and not during those sleepless nights when I stared at the ceiling, grappling with whether or not I could handle another day. But somewhere along the way, my brain decided to fixate on the idea that everyone I loved was on the brink of meeting their untimely demise.

Charming, right?

At first, it was subtle—fleeting thoughts about what I’d do if something happened to my mom, or my kids, or even my cat (because let’s be honest, losing your pet is a soul-crushing thought). But then these little sparks of anxiety turned into full-blown mental fireworks. I’d see it happen in my head—graphic, cinematic montages of the people I love dying in ways only my overactive imagination could conjure. And let me tell you, my imagination deserves an Oscar.

The worst part? It started to feel real. I wasn’t just thinking these things; I was living them. Grieving things that hadn’t even happened. My heart raced. My palms got sweaty. I couldn’t breathe. The grief was so overwhelming it felt like I was mourning the living.

Why Does This Happen?

Here’s the kicker: This isn’t uncommon for cancer survivors. We’ve tangoed with mortality, stared it straight in the face, and danced away—albeit with a few scars (physically and emotionally). The experience changes you. Your brain learns to hyper-focus on danger because it thinks it’s protecting you. Throw in some post-treatment hormones, lingering trauma, and anxiety, and voilà! You’ve got yourself a recipe for obsessive thoughts.

Turns out, it’s a totally normal response to the abnormal. It’s your brain’s way of processing the trauma and uncertainty of survivorship. But let me tell you—"normal" doesn’t make it any easier.

How I Got My Brain to Chill Out

It took a while for me to accept that my mind wasn’t trying to destroy me; it was trying to keep me safe in the most unhelpful way possible. Once I figured that out, I started using mindfulness practices to reel myself back in when my thoughts spiraled. Here’s what helped:

1. Mantras:
   I developed a mantra that worked for me: “This isn’t real. Right now, everything is okay.” Repeating it out loud or in my head became like a mental off-switch for those obsessive thoughts.

2. Meditation:
   Meditation was hard at first because sitting with those thoughts felt unbearable. But I started small—two minutes a day. I’d close my eyes, focus on my breath, and picture myself surrounded by calm energy. Over time, it got easier, and the moments of peace grew longer.

3. Breath Work:
   When I felt like I couldn’t pull myself out of the spiral, I’d breathe. Slowly in for four counts, hold for four, and exhale for four. It’s amazing what oxygen can do for an overworked brain.

4. Bringing Myself Back to the Present:
   Obsessive thoughts thrive on your imagination running wild. I trained myself to ground in the present moment by observing my surroundings: the smell of my coffee, the texture of my blanket, the sound of my cats purring (Edna and Agnes are excellent therapy cats).

5. Laughter:
   Look, the thoughts can be dark, but I believe in the power of humor. If I could poke fun at my brain for its dramatic death montages, it helped me feel less afraid of them.

How You Can Heal, Too

If you’re reading this and nodding along because your brain has also decided to turn life into a 24/7 doomsday trailer, here’s my advice:

1. Recognize That It’s Normal:
   Your brain is working overtime to process trauma. It doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means you’ve been through something profound and your mind is still catching up.

2. Name It and Claim It:
   When those thoughts pop up, call them out for what they are: just thoughts. They’re not reality. Label them as “obsessive” or “fear-based” and remind yourself they have no power over the present moment.

3. Practice Grounding Techniques:
   Try simple grounding exercises like naming five things you see, four things you can touch, three things you hear, two things you smell, and one thing you taste. It’s a quick way to bring yourself back to now.

4. Create a Mantra That Works for You:
   Your mantra doesn’t have to be fancy. It just needs to be a statement that calms you. Try something like, “I am safe. I am here. All is well.”

5. Build a Routine:
   Incorporate mindfulness practices into your daily life. Journaling, yoga, breathwork, or even taking a quiet walk can help reset your mind.

6. Seek Professional Support:
   Therapy can work wonders. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is especially helpful for tackling obsessive thoughts.

7. Connect with Others:
   You’re not alone in this. Join support groups, online forums, or wellness communities where you can share your experience and learn from others who get it.

Why Mindfulness Works

Mindfulness isn’t about stopping the thoughts altogether; it’s about learning to coexist with them without letting them run the show. The more you practice, the more you’ll realize you’re the director, not the audience, of your mind’s movies.

Final Thoughts

If I’ve learned anything from my experience, it’s this: Obsessive thoughts don’t define you. They’re just echoes of a mind trying to process the unthinkable. With time, practice, and a whole lot of patience, you can retrain your brain to focus on the beauty of the present moment.

And if all else fails, remember to laugh at the absurdity of it all. Because laughter, my friends, truly is the best medicine.

Now, take a deep breath. You’ve got this.

Shana

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